I suppose I should work out a regular schedule for this blog, and actually stick to it, if only to force myself to write. I haven’t quite figured out if I love acting, writing, or singing above all, but who says I have to chose? Either way, I’m always happier when I am doing one of those three things or creating at least creating in some way. I also suppose I should write more about topics other than what is going on in my life, or at least do it in an interesting way, like a narrative or screenplay. I’ll work on it. Today, however, I have some random thoughts that keep circling in my head and are keeping me from being productive and I need to get them OUT!
It is becoming apparent to me in the course of writing and also just living my life is that I am obsessed with relationships. I don’t mean just romantic relationships, although that is part of it, but professional, friendly, familial, and every other type of relationship you might think of.
My relationship with my boss is fine, but it’s a constant source of anxiety for me, because things are tough at the office right now for about 1,000 reasons, and it’s straining us. I don’t want to/ can’t go into too much detail, but we have a ton of work backed up and I have been pushing myself to the limits of my mind and body to catch up.
On top of that, I am reading into every little thing she does or says. Every time she corrects me, my heart races and it’s hard to breathe because I’m terrified that she’s going to fire me. EVEN THOUGH SHE PROMISED ME SHE WOULDN’T. Explicitly. Like two weeks ago. I feel like I am the reason We’re going through this and it’s all my fault, but she doesn’t, and for some reason I can’t get that through my head.
It doesn’t help that she is genuinely oblivious. The one criticism I would make of her is that she doesn’t pay attention to things, or she forgets. She will ask me the same question dozens of times, and she repeats herself so, so, so much. When she goes over my work and corrects me, she points out the same type of mistake every. single. time it comes up, and she tells me the reasoning for doing it correctly every. single. time. In the exact. same. words.
I get that repetition and reminders can be necessary for training, but I understand after the tenth time, thanks very much. I don’t get the point of correcting my technique when I haven’t had the chance to continue doing it and get it right. Reminding me how to do something doesn’t mean that I can go back in time and correct every instance that I did it wrong in the past.
In addition, when I got so fed up with it that I tried to say, “I’m not messing up because I don’t understand or because I disagree with you, I’m messing up because _______, therefore you don’t have to keep explaining,” she cut me off, and of course I wasn’t going to try again.
This is really a minor gripe, but it happens so much that it drives me crazy. Of course that might have to do with the fact that one of my pet peeves is when people repeat themselves or make me repeat myself. When someone repeats themselves as much as she does, it makes me feel like they think I’m stupid (I’m super sensitive to being patronized to.)
When they make me repeat myself, it’s embarrassing, because I know I actually do have a tendency to mumble, I have my whole life. I feel like I am being loud, but apparently I’m not. It makes me really self-conscious to be cognizant of that fact.
…And now I think I am going to break this post up into two, because it’s so fracking long already.