Promise this is the last. Once again I wanted to switch subjects.
So, the other day I was having a text conversation with a FWB that I have had off and on for about two years now, and he asked me an interesting question, “Why is a defined relationship so important?” I didn’t exactly answer him at the time, but I did think about that for a while, and I feel like explaining.
A little backstory, a former roommate of mine, who I like but who I have kind of drifted apart from, and I went out one night. We were drinking and playing darts next to these two guys when she turns to them and goes, “let me guess, are your names ‘A’ and ‘K’?” I’m going to use letters for some reason. She was right. I can’t fathom why, but this blew me away and we struck up a conversation with the two of them. My roommate, “D,” and “A” hit it off. “K” left and was never seen from again. Mild awkwardness ensued but all in all it was a good thing.
Fast-forward to holiday break. “D” goes back home. She had talked a little about “A,” but they weren’t an item. In fact, from what I can tell, they had mutually decided to stop hooking up. “A” messages me if I want to hang out. You can see where this is going…
I have yet to tell D this story, because I still kind of feel bad. I don’t know all the details. I just know that I asked “A” about “D” before anything happened, and he said they were done. In addition, as far as I know she never left our dorm to hook up with him again.
Still, Red Flag # 1.
After a few months of casually hooking up with and spending time with “A,” I start to develop feelings for him. We have a DTR talk that didn’t go well, and we stop talking altogether. Then I look him up randomly a few weeks later, and he’s in a relationship.
Red Flag # 2.
We’re back in contact now and his relationship ends. The cycle repeats.
There has been some poor timing a few times with us, time when we have been in relationships or in weird place in our lives, but this last time I was so frustrated with my self. He has proven that he’s never going to take me seriously, and even if he was, how can I trust that he won’t do to me what he has done in his past relationships? As far as I know he doesn’t cheat physically, but he likes to keep options around for when the relationship ends.
Red Flag # 3. You’re out.
So this brings me to the other night. He asked me why I hooked up with him this last time knowing all this. I told him I have low self-esteem. He asks why I have low self-esteem…
Somehow I manage not to murder him through the phone and explain that it doesn’t help that he keeps using me but won’t have a conversation about a relationship. He kept saying we would, but it never came, and when I tried to, he couldn’t. Then he asks me the question I posited at the beginning of this diatribe and FINALLY, here is my answer.
After two years, I need some assurance that it’s going somewhere. I don’t need monogamy right away, but I’ve tried the poly route. It’s not for me. I’m not fully convinced that life-long monogamy is actually possible, and maybe there’s something wrong with me for wanting that, but I can’t help it. I’m jealous and insecure, and the idea of my partner wanting to sleep with others makes me intensely uncomfortable.
For biology reasons, although I can’t have kids of my own, I really want to nest. I want to meet someone, fall in love, fall in that more rational and comfortable kind of love after the infatuation wears off, and make a home together. Not right away, of course. Five years down the line should do it.
Anyway, there’s actually more to say, but unlike Hollywood, I know when to stop.